The Dream

I honestly have no idea where to start right now. On the contrary, I have so much I want to say. Have you ever seen a movie where someone gets into a bad accident and all of a sudden this highlight reel of their life rapidly flashes across the screen? That’s the best way I can begin to explain the last two years of my life. Thankfully, I haven’t been physically harmed or anything, but I realized the path I was on and the goals I was trying to obtain would only get me to a place of realizing I was doing it all wrong. My moment of being hurt wasn’t about me but the people around me…

The first day of my new endeavor is actually a blur for the most part. However, it did start off the right way. It was February 16, 2017, and I woke up early enough to see the sun rise. It was pretty chilly outside with the sun slowly melting away the softness of the morning dew as I pulled into the parking lot of the place where my career was about to start. I realized I had just as much anxiety as excitement. I get out of my car and head into the building, and I noticed a gentleman park right behind me. He begins to head to the office as well. I ask the receptionist in the lobby for some direction, and he points me to the elevator and says the 4th floor should get me to my destination. I say thank you and make my way to an open elevator. I realize that the gentleman who walked in behind me was holding the elevator open for me. As I get on and tell him good morning he immediately asks, “Are you B.J. Crawford?” I instantly recognize his voice and realize that this is the mystery man on the other side of the phone. He’d flown in from his office in Arkansas to make sure he could introduce me to this brand new world of mine. Finally meeting him almost felt like the last sentence in a long chapter that I didn’t think had an end. Shaking his hand for the first time in that elevator turned this dream into a tangible reality.

I quickly realized that this reality was a lot different from where I just was. I felt like I’d just gotten off the highway of the film industry to take in the scenic route of corporate America. I went from tennis shoes and Dri-fit shirts to loafers and button downs. I’d left an environment of people yelling and running around everywhere to feeling like I was in a library at times. I actually enjoyed the pace of where I was though. I felt like I was in this library soaking up knowledge that I never thought would be in front of me. Just a year ago, I was graduating with a communications degree from UT Knox, and now it seems as if I’m in a hands-on MBA program but getting paid to do it. Within no time I started traveling for work to do different projects and sit-in on different meetings, and my eyes felt like they were being peeled back to a world that I never knew existed. Chicago, Indianapolis, San Antonio, Charlotte, Toronto, and even Monterrey, Mexico are just a short list of some of the places I’ve been able to go, but the best part of this was meeting individuals who were vulnerable enough to share their stories with me. Traveling from coast to coast, meeting people with different backgrounds, and hearing stories that painted pictures I’d never expected to see. With all of this knowledge came a sense of finance that was far beyond what I’d been accustomed to.  Along this beautiful road, I was also able to work on my math skills; Adding up my salary and the numbers it had the potential to be quickly made me realize that “The Dream” wasn’t as abstract as I thought it to be. 

I think we all have a sense of “The Dream.” The American Dream that we’ve all heard of from day one of being able to internalize what we think is happiness. The big house on the corner, the 500 horse power car in the garage next to three other cars, the wife and kids who are always smiling…sound familiar at all? I became obsessed with this dream because for the first time in my 24 years of living I realized that fictional wonderland was actually possible to reach. In San Antonio, I shook a man’s hand who was worth 10 FIGURES, and all I could think was “I have to get there!” I became a full-time student trying to learn as much as possible, formulating ideas, and working non-stop around the clock. I’ve tried to live by this concept that I found in high school that I took way too seriously called the “6 Ws” - “Work Will Win When Wishing Won’t.” This concept in this part of my life seemed to be working out perfectly. I was getting awards at work, I was being recognized by executives, and I even somehow found my way into a promotion in less than a year and a half of being with the company. The dream seemed to be getting closer and closer and the drive to keep pushing forward kept growing. However, I didn’t realize that as I was striving to push forward with my career that I was pushing something else further away every day… 

“B.J. when you moved to Knoxville for college I had to deal with that. When you got the job in Atlanta and moved there I had to deal with that. When you got the job to move back to Memphis I was excited because my son was finally coming home. It doesn’t seem like it’s made much of a difference though.”

I will never forget the day my mother told me this. During my constant pursuit of “the Dream,” I didn’t realize that I was sleeping on what mattered most. I only live eleven minutes away from my mother, younger brother, and step-father…yet I’d go weeks sometimes without seeing them and when I did it was only for a short period of time. I have ugly memories of talking to my mom and brother turning down dinner dates because I “thought” I needed to get work done. I was running so fast trying to turn this dream into a reality that I was missing out on the reality that was already in front of me. I knew more about my job than I currently knew about what was going in my little brothers life. It didn’t seem like such a big deal initially because I was always doing what I felt like I’d been taught; work hard, keep pushing, and never stop. I watched everyone in my family work ridiculous hours my entire life, so it just seemed to be second nature to me. I wasn’t treating anyone with any ill intentions or being rude. My time and my priorities were just so stuck in their ways that I was blind to what was in front of me.

Looking back on this moment I realized that I was going through a power trip! Not your theatrical power trip of using my position against others, but in a sense of wanting to obtain all of these material things that I thought life was about. I was placing my values in coins and green pieces of paper that made me lose sight of what was most important. I was doing everything in my power to obtain what I thought was the gold at the end of the rainbow. It all seemed fine at first because this is what we were taught right? This concept of the American dream is all the tv shows and the artist on the radio talk about. It's what the athletes show, and it's what the wealthy hide. “Go to school, get good grades, and when you grow up you’ll have a nice house with a nice car.” I grew up hearing this all around me, and I just knew it was the true path to being “successful”…until the moment I realized none of that mattered. That moment of seeing my past flash by in its highlight style and realizing I was doing everything wrong. A single phone call from my mom made me reevaluate my life to the point of a breakdown…

To be continued

Live with LOVE

B.J. Crawford