The Moment
Do you remember a moment you felt your eyes open all the way in surprise? A moment you could literally feel your heart beating out of your chest. A moment that made the goosebumps rise on your arms. The moment you realized you’ve been running from fears you were too afraid to face. Life has had a very sarcastic way of making me understand what I really feel in certain experiences and situations! So often I’ve run from my deepest emotions believing if I didn’t bring them up, they wouldn’t actually exist. I’ve run from love, my own happiness, and for the instances of this MOMENT...my deepest fears.
Growing up in south Memphis as the only male of my generation in my close family I was always told to be tough, to be strong, and to never show fear because it could be confused as weakness. This became second nature for me no matter how sad, angry, or happy I was. I quickly learned how to bottle my emotions because everything around me made it seem unnatural to show. However, I also grew up in a house full of loving and caring women. These same women are by far the strongest individuals I’ve ever met, but they did have tender hearts that showed me compassion and a tough sense of empathy. With their guidance and energy mixed with society’s “How To Be A Man” manual, I became a very caring individual for others but I never sat down and cared for what was really going on in my own head and heart. Fast forward to being 24 years old now, with a job, a college degree, a house, and all the other things that somehow symbolize adulting...I thought I had this life thing figured out. I thought I was understanding life better than ever. I understood where I wanted to be in life, who I wanted to be in life, and an overall sense of what my life could potentially be…but what I didn’t realize is that I wasn’t paying any attention to where my life currently is. It took the sarcasm of life to make me conscious of my present. A present of current emotions, current thoughts, current relationships. Everyday thoughts were of the next big client, or the next promotion, or the next opportunity. Not once did I take a step back to realize all of the amazing things that were already in front of me. All it took was one phone call early one morning from my mother to bring me back to my present state. A present state that I quickly realized was filled with fear and resentment. This fear that I had pushed down so deep was now at surface level and brought waves of anxiety with it.
It was November 7th, a rough and rainy Wednesday morning. The students in their cars from the high school across the street woke me up. I was still drowsy from being up late the night before working. I remember checking my emails and messages on my phone in the restroom waiting for the shower water to warm up. I finally stepped in and as soon as I placed my head under the water to wash my face I heard my phone vibrating. It was my mom. In the most calm voice my mother told me that she was going to the doctor because her eye was hurting a little and it was bothering her vision. This doesn’t sound like a major ordeal, but my mother has multiple sclerosis. Multiple sclerosis (MS) is an unpredictable, often disabling disease of the central nervous system that disrupts the flow of information within the brain, and between the brain and body (nationalmssociety.org). To put it laymen’s terms, imagine your brain cells as a phone charger. As your brain is sending signals to different places such as your eyes to open, or for your legs to put one in front of the other the charge has to make its way through this cell. Well, multiple sclerosis depletes the pathways of these cells which turns your charger into a ripped piece of rubber with exposed wire that doesn’t charge your phone as well. Which means, it’s possible for her vision to give out with an unexpected flair. This wasn’t my mother’s first time telling me about her symptoms or her pain, but for some reason this call smacked me in the face. I honestly have no idea why, but my brain just went negative and fearful. My first thought as soon as she told me was that I hadn’t had all of the experiences I’ve wanted with my mother because I’d been neglecting her and the rest of my family chasing other opportunities at work that I somehow thought were more important at the time. I instantly started blaming myself and feeling a sense of pity. I asked her if she was ok and she told me yes and that she’d call me after her doctor’s visit. As we got off the phone I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. My mind was racing with thoughts more vivid than any dream I’ve ever had and they all had the same moral…I’d been chasing or hustling as I would’ve called it for the wrong things. I’d been missing out on what was most important. That one phone call literally rearranged my life’s priorities and made me realize a lot about myself.
I’ve always had this hustle mentality, mainly because thats all I’ve ever seen. Everyone around me was hustling in some form or fashion. I grew up watching my mom study for college classes while also working full time. My stepfather was working a full time job at night and still finding the energy to substitute teach during the day. Even now, my beautiful and amazing grandmother is 63 years old and she’s still getting overtime at the hub. Working and keeping a paycheck never seemed like much of an option, but I never got the lesson of work life balance. Honestly, in my mind I thought I was ahead of the curve because I didn’t have any kids yet so I figured I’d literally work myself dry until that moment came. However, when my mom called me and told me her eye was bothering her and the thought of her being blind went across my mind, the shallow thought of a check, my job, my finances all ceased to exist in that one moment. I went to work that morning and sat at my desk and literally stared into my computer screen and just got lost in my mind coming to the conclusion that I’d missed out on so much of my life recently. Yes, I’d had beautiful experiences traveling the world and meeting new people for work, but none of that could equate to the blissfulness of seeing my mother smile, watching my brother grow into himself, and just the pure feeling of love that only family and friends can give you. I went into my manager’s office at work and told her I needed to take the rest of the day off for family matters. I packed up my computer, took the stairs down to the parking lot, got into my car and just cried. This was my first time crying in I cant tell you how long. It literally turned into something I couldn’t control. I called my mom and literally couldn’t say anything other than I love you and thank you!
Within the span of a single morning I felt my life recalibrate into what felt more right than anything I’d ever done. In a cliche sense, I felt like I could see clearer than ever. Mom’s unfortunate eye pain was nothing to worry about according to the doctor and she was doing fine. However, that one moment brought about a much needed sense of awareness for me. I’d hit a place in life that I’d dreamed of as a kid with the degree, the job, the house, the car, but I quickly realized all of these material possessions would never be able to offer the fulfillment of LOVE! Since that moment I’ve made the people around me my priority, I’ve found a sense of work life balance, and I’ve been able to be in the present moment and be grateful for the moments of right now! At a time in my life where I felt like I had everything under control, I quickly realized that I couldn’t control anything other than the moment I’m currently in. This offered me a new outlook on love, relationships, family, and even work. Being driven by love has welcomed numerous blessings, emotional clarity, and best of all, overwhelming happiness.
Through the lens of this happiness and love I also found purpose in my talents and my everyday work. This is where Black Collar was formed. I’d worked in warehouses before which would be deemed blue collar work and I’ve officially spent two years on this day in corporate America which is considered white collar work. I decided no matter where or what I’m working on that I wanted love and pure passion to be my driving force behind it. Black Collar to me is not only gaining the knowledge and the skill in my crafts…but also my purpose and reason for doing it. Black Collar isn’t a particular type of work, but the understanding and fulfillment of doing what I do. I finally understand that love is why I am who I am today. Love is why I’ve been able to make it to where I am today. For me, love is purpose and fulfillment!
