The Gift
A brother of mine asked me a very intriguing question a couple of weeks back. Myself and two others were at Buffalo Wild Wings watching Duke play Florida State. It was the beginning of March Madness. Almost immediately after a timeout was called that took the game to commercial, he asked, “Are you guys doing what you thought you’d be doing in life?” I don’t know why but the question excited me. I had all of these words/answers race through my mind, but what came out of my mouth surprised me. I told him that I’m just happy to be here right now in this moment sharing laughter, food, and memories with my brothers. He instantly responded and said that’s not what I meant! I knew that wasn’t what he meant, but it was my genuine truth. I told him that I had no clue of what life was throwing me, and I never did. “Only” seven years ago, I was graduating from high school with no earthly idea of what life would or could be. I only had expectations and wants, and for a long time they only led to stress and discomfort. I had expectations only from the perspective of society and wants that either led to a sense of failure or discomfort after achieving. I let the world around me build an image of happiness and success without ever asking myself if I was genuinely happy. All of my wants were materialistic and I quickly realized that the joy of materials faded faster than the tangibles did. As my brother’s face turned from curiosity to “What the hell are you talking about,” I wrapped up by saying, “I’m just happy and grateful to be where I am.”
This conversation really got me thinking after dinner. I’ll be 25 this April, and I can easily say that the last year of my life has been truly transformational, yet I don’t mean transforming in any physical sense. This year has expanded my mind, opened up my heart spiritually, and changed my outlook on life. Life which used to be a very big picture concept to me, is now a mosaic masterpiece in which every individual part is beautiful! In this I’ve learned acceptance, and I’ve been able to see how much energy I was wasting on resisting my life as it is now. Resisting meaning, I never felt like I was in a place of success, or I was always looking for a finish line that never felt obtainable. Being so “driven” used to be a compliment to me but I’ve recently realized that even that comes with consequences. My driven mind state clouded everything that was happening in front of me at the moment. My motto was set a goal…accomplish it…then repeat. That’s great and all, but I hadn’t taken time out to appreciate the goals that I’d accomplished or the beautiful journey that got me to them.
About a week or two after, another brother of mine asked me a question that made me realize I’d already experienced the finish line and that it’s not something I had to chase. I was sitting at work one day and T.B. texted me regarding a podcast I’d shared with him. A few messages into the conversation he asked me, “What do you think your gift is?” Again, my mind went racing with thoughts to answer this, but none of them felt accurate or deep enough to elaborate on this question. The question almost felt rhetorical, maybe because I don’t feel like words could ever encompass anyone’s true gift. The best way for me to describe my thought process behind his question was for me look at what gifts meant to me on the surface level. For me, the best gifts aren’t the ones with the highest price tag, but the ones with the most meaning behind them. The gifts that give you a feeling of love and appreciation. This feeling is what I felt when searching for a way to answer his question, but I wasn’t really sure how to put that into words. What I finally replied with was, “capturing stories.” I didn’t mean this from the perspective of a photographer or videographer, but in the true essence of capturing stories of individuals and moments. Before I ever picked up a camera I was always curious. I wanted to understand other people, life situations, and the backgrounds that made them. Getting to know the “makeup” of an individual has always intrigued me.
I think that same curiosity is what led to my love of photography. I once heard an amazing photographer by the name of Platon say, “A great photo is being able to capture someone’s soul.” This quote resonated with me in a place I couldn’t explain. There’s usually one photo out of every photo shoot I do that almost seems as if more than just the individual is in the frame. It’s usually one that the subject is looking directly into the lens and there’s this glare in their eyes that echos through the portrait. Just the same for capturing nature and landscape shots. Capturing their story… or better yet their essence is a beautiful gift. I wouldn’t say this is my gift but more so the gift that I like receiving most from others. In that moment, I feel like I can truly understand someone or something, fully accept them, and even relate to them from a place much deeper than my mind could ever imagine.
Answering this question made the lightbulb go off. I realized how many times and how often I feel this feeling. It made so much of life’s pressure float away because I realized I’d already made it to the finish line. I’ve been doing and I’m still experiencing what makes me the happiest. I realized that a monetary figure could never match that, that no title could ever explain this, and that I was right where I wanted to be in life. As year 25 comes around the corner, I’m excited to embrace this beautiful journey that has no destination. A journey that I know has me in the right place at the right time. A journey full of possibilities and opportunities. I’ve come to realize my past is only that… the past. My future is not something I can force or predict, but only prepare for… and my present is all that will ever matter! The present is the best gift that can be given!
Live with Love…
B.J. Crawford
